Literary Orphans

Career Arc by David Galef

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Discovered when five years old at the San Diego Zoo, having wandered into the Great Apes habitat and rescued from the arms of a bonobo named Charlie. A zoo-goer’s snapshot of the incident captures the boy’s glee in the face of danger, oddly similar to the ape’s expression: an iconic photo that makes it to the wire services. Approached by a talent scout after appearing on the Saturday morning show Tell Us Another.

A child actor in Do Me a Flavor, a sitcom about a family restaurant where the mother is on a quest to make the perfect flan. The son acts like a little monkey, including some funny business with bananas. The show lasts only one season, after which the main sponsor, Adobe Foods, pulls out. He gets a year’s worth of plantains, which he donates to the local zoo.

A moody teenager on the series My Parents Are Crazy, where he develops his trademark, a lopsided look that’s half glare, half smile. He also drags his hands like a chimp as he walks. The program lasts long enough to go into reruns but is tainted by a sexual scandal involving the simian actor who plays the father on the show.

Achieves widespread popularity as the young teacher in After Class, who shocks his students at times by swinging from holds in the ceiling. Audience members quote his line “Hey, what’re ya gonna do?” accompanied by that glare-smile. Suggested for the single dad in Munchkins, but the role is given to an older actor. Beats his breast about being passed over, in ape-fashion in an embarrassing interview on Real News Newsreel.

Movies: Crossover, a superhero with the power of turning into other species; also the romantic lead in Can-Can’t, opposite the actress Kate Costa, whom he marries and divorces within six months. She cites basic incompatibility and bestiality. His next two films flop. Makes Variety headlines when he’s found in the San Diego Zoo, trying to enter the Great Apes compound, but finds that Charlie the bonobo is dead.

The gone years, 1990-1997. Substance abuse, including psilocybin and some of the more lesser-known hallucinogens. Rumors of a trip to the Congo to visit the Salonga National Park, one of the few bonobo reservations, but also an ill-fated foray into the forest basin, where he remains out of contact for months. Almost killed when he comes back to civilization and climbs up the side of the building to his 17th-floor condo.

Partial comeback in 2000, when he plays a substance abuse counselor and addict in the film Blown. Best scene: taking methadone patients to the zoo. Remarries, this time to his new agent, who keeps exotic pets. Her father, a noted primatologist, blesses the union warily.

Commercials for Tron cars and Acta Life Insurance. Veteran viewers remember the ad where he jumps from a plummeting plane, his parachute fails to deploy, but he walks away unscathed, scratching his armpit and hooting.

Occasional talk show guest. Embraces the All Species sect on the air in front of a Muslim cleric. The clip, uploaded to YouTube, shows him jumping up and down on the couch for the interviewees. Second divorce.

Fades from view. Last role is the doddering uncle in the film Flavorsome, whose resemblance to the decades-old Do Me a Flavor is noted in the few reviews it receives. The nicest notice is headlined “Monkeyshines.”

Downward spiral into dementia. Found at the San Diego Zoo, throwing his feces at tourists. Trundled off to the Old Actors Home, where he spends his last years wandering around the grounds, posing for old fans by clutching a half-peeled banana. Occasionally mumbles when prompted, “Hey, what’re ya gonna do?”

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David Galef is a shameless eclectic, with over a dozen books in two dozen directions, including the novels Flesh, Turning Japanese, and How to Cope with Suburban Stress (a Book Sense choice, listed by Kirkus as one of the Best 30 Books of 2006); the short-story collections Laugh Track and My Date with Neanderthal Woman (winner of Dzanc Books’ Short Story Collection Award); and the co-edited anthology of fiction 20 over 40. His latest volume is Brevity: A Flash Fiction Handbook, from Columbia University Press. A co-founder of the M.F.A. program in creative writing at the University of Mississippi, he is now a professor of English and creative writing program director at Montclair State University.

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–Foreground Art by Claudio Parentela

–Background Art by Thomas H

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