On the theme of Gratitude
THE KING OF BEEF
I said it right on prime time. I said, I’m quitting Chef Marty’s Fistful of Meat. I said, “Fuck this!” The censors bleeped that part, I’m sure. The show’s director rolled her eyes and drew a quick finger across her throat. The cameramen screwed up their faces. Members in the studio audience rose with open mouths and hands. But the cable home viewers could make out my lips. Hell, who never saw an MTV video without lip synch?
***
Greek Potatoes
When a nice golden-brown crust has formed on the potatoes, give them a stir to bring the white underside up, season lightly with a bit more sea salt and pepper and just a light sprinkling of oregano.
Add 1/2 cup more water if pan appears to be getting dry, and pop back into oven to brown other side of potatoes.
This will take about another 40 minutes. Do not be afraid of overcooking the potatoes they will be delicious.
***
No, my viewers, my loyal armies willing to grow obese in the wastelands of fats and triglycerides, my tragic eat-or-die disciples who dreamed of a land of free cheeseburgers and root beer floats and smiling teletubbies. They could read between the lines of my high cholesterol, clog-those-bifurcating-arteries-until-you-need-a-stent-or-a-new-heart. Yes! I announced on the air that I was starting a crusade. I would turn vegetarian. I was going to march and hitchhike across the country, from Brooklyn Bridge to Golden Gate, passing out lo-cal recipes, shaking hands and apologizing to the people who once believed in my Magnum Beef Double-Deckers with O.K. Corral Hot Sauce.
***
Sticky Rice
Soak rice overnight in cold water, or for 15 minutes in boiling water if short of time.
Drain the rice, rinse and spread out on a wet cloth inside a steamer.
***
I broke down and cried on the air. With arms raised, I cried out, “My meat-loving, too much girth and big-assed brothers and sisters, I HAVE SINNED! I am the Reverend Moon of Food Gurus! I have ruined you, cost you millions of pre-Obamacare dollars.” I said, I WAS PAID TO FATTEN YOU, TO MAKE YOU DIE FOR A LOUSY ONION RING AND ITS COUSIN THE FRENCH FRY! I’M NOTHING BUT A FAT GREASY BASTARD WITH WARTS ON MY BEHIND!
I said, facing the cameras, that I couldn’t refund their clotted lives, but I would withdraw money from my personal bank and checking accounts and give back to each what I could.
A camera technician fainted. Someone threw a glass of water in his face.
***
Spinach and four-cheese manicotti (vegetarian)
In a mixing bowl combine two cups of ricotta cheese, 1-1/2 cup mozzarella cheese, cream cheese, 6 tablespoons Parmesan cheese, Italian seasoning; beat with a wooden spoon until smooth and well combined.
Season with sea salt or garlic salt and black pepper to taste
***
After the producers fired me, after I was escorted out of the building situated three blocks west of Times Square, after I read and cried over so many fan letters in my high-rise apartment on East 3rd and 57th street, I traveled westward, equipped with only a knapsack of clothes, books of blank checks and some fresh fruit from the farmer’s market.
One of the last letters I received before I left was from Oprah. It said: I LOVE YOU, MARTY, AND ALL YOUR MACHO BEEF RIGHT DOWN TO THE LAST FORBIDDEN CHEESE DOODLE. AND DR. OZ and I CAN RELATE TO YOUR MISSION. IT’S TIME FOR AMERICA TO WAKE UP AND TRIM DOWN! I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK AND HOPE YOUR JOURNEY ENDS WITH A NEW SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.
I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR GUILT. I’VE BEEN THERE. XXXXXXXX O
***
Granny’s Slow Cooker Chili Recipe
In a saucepan, sauté the onion, bell pepper, zucchini, and celery for about 5 minutes.
In a slow cooker, combine black bean soup, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, baked beans, tomatoes, corn, onion, bell pepper, zucchini, jalapeño, chilies, and celery.
Season with garlic, chili powder, cumin, parsley, oregano, basil.
Cook for about 6 hours on low.
***
As I hitchhiked cross-country, people picked me in their humble station wagons. They saved me from walking in the rain. Dogs licked my hands. Even they recognized me! Women listened to my stories, how I was tricked and coerced into reciting recipes that I no longer believed in. How my girth was the girth of Middle America, of Americans traveling every highway, from Rt. 66 to Rt. 90, how I helped in making America bulge. How I ruined her precious and perfect belly button.
Their husbands shook their heads, said it wasn’t entirely my fault. The women fed me cooked cabbage and asparagus. Some asked me to become a Christian Martyr or a Reborn Again. I politely declined. I knew where my mission lay. And in the late hours of the morning, before I departed from their wonderful homes, before I thanked and thanked them for their hospitality—I snuck a blank check into their refrigerators, sometimes under the coleslaw.
I converted so many to Vegetarianism. In the vast networks of American suburbs, I stood or knelt on immaculately trimmed front lawns and cried out: “Brothers and sisters, crunch and masticate SLOWLY.”
By the time I reached Portland, I was weary but I had regained my pride and dignity. I had lost my girth. I was living on water and fruits and raw vegetables. I’d left blank checks in every household I had visited. I was making America rich!
I hitchhiked down to California. Weighing a mere ninety pounds, I flapped in the wind on the Golden Gate Bridge, stretched my arms wide before the gorgeous sunrise, and vomited. I threw up every morsel and lie, every bit of my beef-jerky past. I felt clean.
And I dove into the shimmering sea.
***
Thank you, Lean Mean Marty, the ex-king of Beef. You saved my life with your simple vegetarian outlook and the wonderful blank check you left under the jar of low-cal mayonnaise. My husband was recently laid off. But now I don’t need to worry about our next meal. XXXXXXXXXXLisa944
Author Biography
Kyle Hemmings is the author of several chapbooks of poetry and prose: Avenue C, Cat People, and Anime Junkie (Scars Publications), and Tokyo Girls in Science Fiction (NAP). His latest e-books are You Never Die in Wholes from Good Story Press and The Truth about Onions from Good Samaritan. His latest collection of prose/poetry is Void & Sky from Outskirt Press.