From here on out, I shall be known as “Little Big” Swedish
Meatballs. Ground beef smothered in breadcrumbs and secret
seasonings; bathed in gravy to resemble appetizers of the Gods.
You now go by “Running” Puce Fabric Ottoman. Contemporary
footrest equally comfortable in dorm rooms and living rooms, foot-
propping medium doubling as low-key extra seating. When we
introduce ourselves at cocktail parties, we’ll take looks of surprise
for fear and respect. The moccasins our ancestors left us possess
soles that are too clean. We must become hunters, posing as
gatherers, on the war path to our prey. Our new names will baptize
us from bloody hands. Help us remember we are both descendants
of the sky, and born from the land. We’ll reclaim our heritage.
Represent our forefathers. Stick it to the white man.
June 2010 – December 2010
Violation of the federal mattress flammability standard – IKEA SULTAN
HEIDAL spring mattress with date stamps 0725 through 1014 (YYWW)
Start dreaming in the den. Savor breakfast in bed from the kitchen
table. Find a new piece of furniture for your sex life. If bought
between June 2007 and April 2010 from supplier #20520, return
this mattress for a replacement. A production error has resulted in
this mattress not meeting open flame standards. We hate to speak
ill of supplier #20520, but they dropped the ball. And in this case,
the ball rolls onto the box spring and is bathed in kerosene. A
single spark can transform your body to an inferno after dark. Not
even our warmth rate 6 comforters can protect you. It’s in your
best interest to do as directed. Rest assured, no other SULTAN
products are affected.
August 2009 – June 2010
Strangulation Hazard – IKEA MELINA Roman blind
Inner chords on the back of the blinds can wrap around necks of
young children. Picture dangling legs flailing like newborn
branches allergic to the wind. Picture a sudden calm, and the trees
become still. Keep chords higher than your children’s reach. Hide
the ends because visibility equals pull me. Move all furniture away
so they can’t be used as steps. An EKTORP ottoman provides a
perfect pedestal for death. Please bring back for a full refund.
Sunlight beating through bare windows is less toxic than
asphyxiation. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.